Plain and Simple, a One Car Garage Is Not Possible for Us Car Enthusiasts

    There are great cars out there, ones that – to normal humans – do so many things at such a high level that to them, one car can be satisfactory by having an ideal blend of practicality, luxury, and sportiness, therefore making it a nominee for the “perfect one car garage”. What might some of these cars be? Well, to be victorious, it undoubtedly needs practicality and a good blend of comfort and technology. However, for a motorhead like me and countless others out there, it needs to have the ability to produce a significant amount of driving pleasure, which usually results from a good engine, chassis, and user control experience.  Following this criteria, the first car that comes to mind is the BMW M3. It has 4-doors, an acceptably sized trunk, and the ability to hoon for days because of the small nuke packed underneath the hood. You can strap your kid down in the back seat, you and your wife in the front, and complete every single daily activity without issues. The perfect car, then? No. Precisely because the M3 is the first car to come to mind is also the reason why it’s not the perfect candidate. It’s overplayed (read too common). It doesn’t stir my soul because the overall package lacks flair – and therefore desirability – and I find the same issue with all of the German cars. The cliché of them being sterile and lab-created holds true in my opinion.

         On the other hand, Italian cars have exciting styling but are historically notorious for their unreliability. Therefore, mundane Alfa’s and Fiats are out. Jumping to the extreme is the sexually arousing Pagani Zonda Cinque which is a holy grail for me, but even I am realistic enough to admit that I would not be able to live with only it. There would undoubtedly come a day when I would have more than just a sack of potatoes to transport home from the grocery store, and the Zonda would be incapable of assisting me. Or, I’d be exhausted from work and the raucous, spine-shattering ride of the supercar would irritate me so much I’d be inclined to drive off a cliff and end my misery. Therefore, Pagani Zonda Cinque – and it hurts me to say this – you’re fired. Simmering down a little, what about the exotic “practical” cars, like the Ferrari FF, Aston Martin Rapide, and Porsche Panamera Turbo S? The performance and practicality are present, however the issue lies with the name's of the companies. First, I digress to quickly eliminate the Panamera. It seems redundant to say this, but it is so ugly that it can cause eye injuries, therefore no further explanation is needed for its disqualification, and as for the Rapide and FF, well, observing the rest of the cars in their makers’ lineups and seeing how exotic they are, I’d never be happy with owning an inflated variant of a car which I know is meant to look like a two door, low-slung sexy sports car. They bastardize the companies and I wouldn't want to be a contributor to that.   

         How about, then, a Subaru WRX STI or any one of its direct competitors? The styling of the STI is acceptable, but that’s not its biggest downfall. Nor is the fact it too is well overplayed like the M3. Its problem stems from a three letter abbreviation, AWD. I’m a driver, and for me, AWD vehicles are a turnoff. For driving pleasure and excitement, I want power transferred to the asphalt via two small contact patches on the rear tires, and that’s all. On that note, I did drive a car the other day which seems like a genuinely good candidate for the one car garage, and it was the Cadillac CTS-V, who's angular and vicious styling is exciting and unique. It has a warhead packed underneath the hood and very good comfort and practicality. It’s also not all that common, and in wagon form you can parade the streets boasting you own a unicorn (which is also the most practical version). If at this moment I were held at gun point and forced to choose one car or risk getting shot... I’d get shot and here's why. The name Cadillac – just, no. “I’m 21 and drive a Cadillac”. No. “I’m 68 and drive a Cadillac, come play a round of golf with me, but wait, I’m trying to remember where I put my Viagra pills”. That's perfectly fine. And, to disqualify the rest of American cars, allow me to blanket sweep them and point out that they are made of too much plastic, and I've been taught that overexposure to plastic can be bad for my health.

        So, why is the one car garage unfathomable for someone like me and undoubtedly many car enthusiasts? Well, the one car would have to look like an uncompromised sports car, have the ride quality of a Benz, and practicality of a Land Rover LR4. Such a car doesn’t exist, nor will it ever. A two-car garage is a bare minimum, with maybe a motorcycle or two tucked away on the side.